Resolutions

Professional
1. Keep up with paper grading/reading/etc. in a more timely fashion
2. Get six articles out under review before 2009
3. Get at least one paper submitted, accepted and present at PME
4. Write at least one grant
5. Renew my NBPTS certificate

Personal
1. Go whitewater kayaking
2. Buy a sea kayak and kayak all summer
3. Ride my mountain bike at least once a week
4. Exercise 3-5 times each week
5. Drink more water
6. Stop swearing (so much)
7. Ride the bus more

Roommates

Holy cow, no one told me that trying to find a roommate was going to bring out every crazy person in the Pacific Northwest. I considered myself a tolerant person, able to live with anyone. Okay, maybe not so much anymore. Who ARE these people? I think I would have had better luck placing an ad in the Stranger than trying to find a roommate on Craigslist.

I didn't think asking for a SANE, drug free, and employed roommate was going to be too much to ask. Okay, maybe I also wanted someone that wouldn't throw keg parties, have significant others sleeping over every night, or be kleptomaniacs.

Okay maybe I WAS asking too much...

Pearls of Wisdom

It is so funny how if we let ourselves be open for it, we see that pearls of wisdom are cast before us and not necessarily from the places we expect. Several people have commented to me on my marriage ending and given me great insight that I hadn't considered before. Thanks to all my friends for helping me through this time. Some of the wonderful things they are showing me:

1. I was feeling sorry for myself and lonely. My friend mentioned to me that her husband was sitting right next to her and yet she was still lonely as hell. That made me consider how long I have been an "alone" married person.

2. Another friend reminded me that I can not assume the role of the victim or the cause, that it just happens. Assuming either of those roles is not healthy or productive for anyone. Sometimes people just don't grow at the same speed. When that happens, they grow apart. It isn't anyone's fault.

3. There ARE opportunities for the future. I just need to allow that I CAN be happy, I am allowed and I deserve it. Now if it just wasn't so overwhelmingly scary.

The question that remains...can I rise above it, can I be the person that I am meant to be? Can I allow myself to be happy and take all the wonderful opportunities that are before me or will I run away from life like the scared person I always think I am? Can we really change how we think and believe? Is it as simple as trying? We are going to see...

Thanks everyone! Tomorrow, I will post the New Year's goals :-). I figure if I put them out there, I will have lots of people checking and making me accountable.

Holidays Rain and Seattle Musings

It has been awhile since I have posted here. I just haven't been in the mood to write. Between my marriage ending, the end of the quarter, the rain, the holidays, etc. I have just been too stuck in my own misery. But things are starting to even out finally.

My friend from Ghana is here. He is so funny. So many things that he says about Seattle mirror my impressions of it. He also made a couple of observations about it being good for me. The school that I am at and the area as a whole as being what I have needed. Hmm...

But the greatest thing so far...he is really smart but I got to show him something he didn't know: Google Docs and Skype as collaboration tools. :-)

The Early Years...

People have strange ideas here...

People here have strange ideas about things. They are friends with anyone, male with female, young with old, etc. They actually just like talking with each other about things like current events, politics, etc. And anyone can have any opinion they want as long as you are willing to listen to another point of view and defend your position. But what is really cool is that even if you are a WOMAN, you can have an opinion and ideas and men will actually listen to you.

So even though I have struggled to make friends here, I haven't really felt as alone because I have been accepted for who I really am, not for the persona of the "perfect southern lady".

Of course, a place that publishes a weekly like the "Stranger" would be expected to have people with "strange" ideas :-).

Ya'll

I drove to Tacoma this morning to teach a class. The sun was just rising, the mountains were out and Rainier was looming on the horizon with streaks of red of the rising sun around it. I don't understand how thousands of people can ride by that sight every day and not be totally awed, humbled and have their breath just taken away. I could not help but glory in the majesty that is our planet.

A Tacoma student said something to me that struck me about the way I have thinking...I was talking and kept saying you all when speaking of the pacific northwest. He corrected me and we all. He said that "all you all is really all WE all, because you (speaking of me) is one of we now". I really haven't been thinking of it like that yet. Maybe that needs some more comtemplation. Maybe part of my problem is not yet feeling like I am "one of us" here in the northwest. I still feel like one of "them", i.e. from some place else.

Symphony

Okay, the symphony was wonderful. I love music of all types. But I also overwhelmingly realized I didn't belong there. I almost made a huge mistake and clapped after the first piece. I didn't know that you don't clap until intermission. I am used to going to concerts that after each song/piece you applaud. At least I held back and waited to see what everyone else did before I embarrassed myself. I am obviously a little too uncultured for such an activity. The music was spectacular though, it just fills you up and makes your heart beat faster.

That is one of the things I love about Seattle. You can find all types of music and you can dance and just be unrestrained. Now if I can break 25 years of habitual restraint and let myself be who I am, the side I NEVER show anyone... We'll see about that, that might take some time.

"Waxing" Poetic

I realize how meloncholy these blogs have become...maybe it is because of the approaching holidays and realizing that I have no family around. But each blog makes me think of something else.

The moon waxes and wanes. You can remember which it is doing by the letters DOC. If the curved shape of the moon is like the curved part of the D the moon is waxing (getting more full), the O is when it is full, then when it starts to wane the curved shape is like the curve of the C. During the darkest parts of the moon's phases when it goes from waning to waxing, when it is a "new" moon (or sometimes called a dark moon) it represents the beginning of the moon's phases and for centuries farmers have felt that it was the best time to plant new seeds because the ground was more fertile. As the moon grows (waxes) and finally comes to completion (fullness) farmers knew that by then, the seeds which were going to survive would have taken root and blossomed.

Why am I going into all this? Well for one, to make a point about technology for my students. This observation of the moons cycles is a very low tech, effective method of planting. But also to make a parallel of our lives. I think back over the last year and the trials I have gone through. I think back over this blog and the trials I have gone through in Seattle. Those were the times of the darkest moons in my life. That is when the seeds of growth and change were planted. Now I just have to learn PATIENCE and wait for the full moon (fulfillment) to see which ones will have taken root and blossomed.

My lesson for today is patience...

Life Lessons

This past year, I learned some incredible lessons from some private personal trauma, the death of my father, moving, the death of my nephew in Iraq, etc. etc. My life has been a total soap opera over the past 16 months. But I learned that, in the beginning of each new thing it was really scary, there didn't seem to be any hope. But then something would happen and I would see that there was a reason for whatever I was feeling. I would begin to see a little glimmer of how life could be and that would give me hope. It was kind of like peering through a keyhole, seeing glimmers but not being able to see into the whole room. Then little by little the door to a new chapter of my life would open, until I could see into the whole room and then finally step into it.

In Seattle, I have felt the same way. So many times I have asked "what to hell am I doing here?". But today, I saw that first glimmer, the inching of the door opening and the possibilities of the chapter of my life that is before me. I have to say it was breathtaking and absolutely wonderful... Now I need to be patient and wait for the door to open and not try to rush it.

UW

This summer, I had the opportunity to go to a faculty program called Faculty Fellows. It was so incredible. The faculty that I was able to interact with were just so phenomenal. I felt like such an imposter...who was I to be around some of the most talented and creative faculty in the entire world? We met again today, and again I was just blown away by the privilege of working at this institution.

I had been feeling a bunch of stress that I haven't be so prolific in writing as I have in the past couple of years. It was so wonderful to hear these incredible supportive people saying, "don't be so hard on yourself, it takes from 6 months to a year when you move to a new place to get in the rhythm of a new place". Damn I needed to hear that. It was so good for me.

When I was walking home, the sun was setting over Lake Washington and Mt. Rainier was in the distance and I was struck by the beauty of this place, the acceptance of the people who I have met, and the incredible opportunities my job affords me. I just want to make sure I stay thankful for all of these wonderful blessings.

Weather and Work

I wish the weather would start being as gray and gloomy as everyone keeps telling me. These beautiful sunny days when the mountains are out make it hard to focus. Do the people who live here really understand what an incredible privilege it is just to live in this place? On days like this when I look to the east and see the Cascades rising above Lake Washington and then turn around and the Olympics are there behind me, I just can't believe that I get to live here. Unfortunately, it is also hell on my work ethic. I used to be able to sit in my office for 18 hours at a shot, 5 to 7 days a week, and just crank out publications, coursework and grading. Now I have trouble dragging ass to my office 3 days a week because it takes so much time away from my biking and other adventures.

This was definitely a day (48 degrees outside when I drove to work) for riding with the sunroof open, the heat blasting in the car and the radio on. What a spectacular day... I hope I never stop seeing this place for the gift that it is. I am truly touched to be allowed to live here.

Teachers

I have been thinking a lot about my last post. I just finished rereading on of my favorite books, Tuesdays with Morrie. This past year I have had the privilege of working on a project with a great teacher. As I reread that book, I thought a lot about that teacher/student relationship where I was in the reversed role of the student. Although I still keep in touch with my teacher, I find that I miss talking with him in a focused way, with a clear project agenda. In the hours spent working together, we would talk about solutions to problems in the world, in education, and ultimately each week I would learn a lot about solutions to my own problems as well, just from our discussions.

Teachers take many shapes and forms. They might be a formal teacher, a colleague, a friend, a relative, or a student. I dedicated my dissertation to my students. They taught me as much as I ever taught them. They taught me about patience, human dignity, alternate learning styles, friendship, how to have fun, how to care, and so much more. They always believed in me as I did in them.

I miss them and my teacher. Today was just one of those hard days where I was sad... There are good days and bad ones. Fortunately more ups than downs :-)

Education

I definitely have the coolest students EVER. They all went out after class to a bar. And they invited me and one of their other instructors. They continually amaze me with how open they are. They just talk to me, like I am a person not the "evil" instructor ready to indoctrinate them to liberal propaganda...

I have always believed that education is a collaborative effort, no matter what level it is at or in what venue (formal or informal). It is a two-way street, it takes a willing teacher and a willing student. Without those two things, it just can't work. Now sometimes the student is unwilling but the teacher can help encourage them to want to learn by finding something to catch their interest. However, that takes a teacher that will give 100% to his/her job. My students make my job too easy, I don't have to work to catch their interest, they ARE interested. Even more important, they are INTERESTING. They each have a story and are so willing to share and to let me know them. I find I am caught and can't wait for the next two years as they tell me all about them and teach ME whatever they want me to know.

Maybe by next year, they will join me and start a mountain biking club :-) (or maybe not)...

Symphony

My boss gave me two tickets to the symphony on Nov. 11 at 2 in the afternoon. I have a HUGE problem here. I grew up in Maine, then spent the last 25 years in NC. I have no culture. Accepting the tickets seemed like a good idea at the time. But now, I am panicking. What to hell do I wear? I am not sure I am ready for this...

Kayak Rolling

I went to the pool to practice rolling. The intergenerational thing is so strange. There was a 25 year old kid helping me. He said it was so cool to see anyone willing to try something new, at any age. Every time I screwed up he would comment on how I was stretching myself...rewiring my brain to think a different way and how cool it was. He just kept cheering me on until I was successful. In NC, a 25 year old would have lost their patience with an old lady or never helped her in the first place. It is very different and that is going to take a while to get used to.

Condoms at Sam's Club

Oh my gosh. I almost had a heart attack at Sam's club when I was picking up contact lens solution. They sell condoms at Sam's club...right there on the aisle. Again a cosmic culture shift. In NC they are behind the counter at the drugstore where you get your prescriptions. You can only get them by asking the pharmacist on duty for them. They aren't out where kids can see them.

Teaching

Week 1 - Total intimidation. These people are freaking SMART! I have that sense of the imposter syndrome just like when I was working on my PhD. Sooner or later, they will find out that I am not supposed to be here, that I don't belong. What do I possibly have to offer these incredibly talented people?

Week 2 - Technological Frustration. I have so many incredible peices of educational software I could be showing my students. But unlike at my last position, I don't have the freedom to put temporary versions on computers nor to I have the political clout to get them to purchase what I need. How do I regroup and figure out the best way to educate my students within the limitations of what I have?

Week 3 - Unprepared. I just haven't been able to get my head into this class like I need to. I am so blown away by their responses to the discussion board. They are so incredible. I need to put more time and effort into rising to the challenges they present to me. It is hard to do in this incredible place where so many cool personal interests (biking, kayaking, the market, etc) vie for my time.

Week 4 - The Farmer's Almanac. I just had this totally cultural moment when I asked a question about how we forcast the weather before technology. In NC ALL of my students would have chimed in the Farmer's Almanac, for many of them, Doppler Radar, etc. is just a bunch of witchcraft and voodoo and not reliable. Here, they just looked at me and didn't seem to have a clue what I was getting at (i.e there has always been technology). Then I was talking about girls and boys PE. Again, I got the "blank stare look". Apparently, here, they let girls and boys have PE together...who'd have thought????

Week 5 - I am beginning to think that I am not teaching my students anything. I hate wasting people's time. I am leaving for Eugene tomorrow. One of my students said the funniest thing to me. She said to make sure when I went to Eugene to take my bong...that it was a big community of old hippies. I was taken aback and she probably thought I was offended. What she didn't realize is that I was so blown away that my students knew what a bong WAS... I am not sure if I am Alice or Dorothy and I have actually been dropped by the wind storm in OZ.

Week 6 - I sit here in my office and read over the discussion board posts. Maybe I have taught them someone, just a couple of things. They are still so freaking smart. They take the assignments I give them and go so much further with them than I have ever had my students do before. I am so used to teaching apathetic students and I know how to get them hooked on class. It is quite a pedagogical shift for me to think about how to teach students that go so much further than I expect. As a friend once said to me...I have to outthink them, outthinking me.

Coffee

Well I have thought I was going to get run out of Seattle. I didn't know how to order coffee. All I have ever had is regular brewed coffee, size small medium or large. My new friend gave me some pointers...she used them to describe men :-). There was a subject I could relate to.

So today, for the first time EVER, I went to Starbucks and order a grande, non-fat, pumpkin spice latte, hold the whip, extra hot... Thanks Maurea!

Biking

Mountain biking, riding through the woods, is so much stress relief for me. For a few hours each week, I have no problems, no cultural issues to overcome, no homesickness. It is just me, trying to keep upright on a bike when roots, trees, rocks and my own mind are doing their best to unseat me. There is the beauty of the woods, the camaraderie of friends, the pushing of your physical self, the connection between your mind and your body, and the definite need to be in the moment. What a freaking rush...it is wonderful.

Drinking

There is a definite cultural shift here in the consumption of alcohol. In NC, people either drank or they didn't. Alcoholism was not discussed ever. If you drank, that meant socially one or two glasses of wine or beer, not getting sloppy faced drunk...at least not in front of the respectable folks. The "blue laws" prevented purchasing alcohol from a store or restaurant or bar from 1 am Sunday morning until 1 pm on Sunday afternoon. That way people would go to church, stone cold sober. Here, you can go to a restaurant at 9 am and order alcohol. It is acceptable to have it at lunch. It is served at university functions. In NC it was illegal to even HAVE alcohol on a college campus. I am still getting used to seeing people at Sunday brunch with beer and mimosas...

I made the mistake of saying that I drank to two new friends of mine. They both looked at me and one of them asked ...do you drink a lot? She was referring to what she thought was my drinking problem... Here EVERYBODY drinks. The difference is in HOW much???? I am never going to figure this place out.

Mountains

People here have a funny saying, "The mountains are out". On a gorgeous day, I told my son in NC that, his response was "Mom the mountains are always out, they are mountains." My answer, not in Seattle...

The mountains here are definitely one of the most spectacular views you can imagine. Yet I think a lot of Seattlites take them for granted. Every day (well, when they are "out") they can look upon them and wonder. What an incredible gift. Please don't ever let me get tired of them and lose my sense of awe and wonder.

Homesickness

It is beautiful here. The Olympics rise over the western Puget Sound, the Cascades on the eastside, Mt. Rainier is overwhelming to the south and on a clear day, you can see Mt. Baker to the north. Rainier and Baker are active volcanos so that gives a little excitement to life in the Pacific Northwest. I saw my first Tsunami evacution route sign. It didn't really bother me after living in the south with hurricane evaculation route signs everywhere. Wherever you go there is some kind of natural disaster to worry about.

So why I am so homesick? I miss the heat and the humidity. I miss the flatness. Here when I go running, I am running uphill BOTH WAYS. How is that possible? The hills will freaking kill you. I miss the slow pace of the south, the lazy summer afternoons, the sounds and estuaries, the incredible sunsets. I miss my kids terribly. I can't believe what I have done in leaving them behind. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest.

Therapy

In the south, there is a church on every corner. There are more denominations of Baptist that you could ever imagine. Here, there is a yoga/medition center/homepathic medicine/naturopathic medicine/massage therapy type place on every corner. Everyone is very touchy feely. You can find any kind of therapist you ever imagined...what exactly is a astrological therapist anyway????

I went to a therapist near my house. I thought it would help with the transition of the new move, new job, leaving my kids, my nephew getting killed in Iraq etc. At first I really liked her, although her office was in a house and it was decorated with Victorian furniture and she offered me tea at each session. I felt a little like Alice in Wonderland...with the Mad Hatter offering her tea. I was determined to keep an open mind. I told her about kayaking and mountain biking, etc. I told her how much I missed my kids. She seemed to relate to that, she had grown children who lived away also. Then she asked me if I had tried to connect to them through the earth...I told her I couldn't even get them connect with me through Facebook, so I doubted I could connect to them through the earth. I was just joking...I have an overdeveloped sense of humor. She was NOT amused. End of therapy...

People

One of the biggest cultural differences here are the people and how they interact. They have their good and bad points (doesn't everyone).

On the good side, the people here are very tolerant and accepting. I have never lived in a place where there was so much respect for diversity. When you go out to dinner, there are people of all races and ages together, eating and talking. It just doesn't matter what color you are or what age you are. You are respected for the individual you are. People stand up for what they believe, they know the issues, they are very involved in politics (both men and women). They allow women to be anything they want, there aren't the sexist norms that there tended to be in the south.

On the bad side, the people here can be "intellectual" snobs. Everyone is smart, well read, environmentally concious, politically correct, and preaches social justice. But it is interesting that if you argue against one of those things or might not be as literate, you aren't seen in such a favorable light. Everyone has a lot of money and lots of "designer" things...designer kids, designer dogs, designer clothes and houses, etc. Not much room for a "thrift shop" girl like myself to fit in. When you say something they don't agree with, they tend to be very sarcastic, but do it in a "smart" way where they are actually slamming you, but you are too stupid to get it.

It is hard to fit in and make friends here. In NC my friends came from all socioeconomic statuses. You'd bake something, invite people over for coffee and POOF... social hour (though with no mixing of sexes and little mixing of different ages). Here, people invite your for coffee, but they really don't mean to have you over, it is just what they say, kind of like southern women saying "bless your heart". Seattlelites say, "stop by for coffee." I wonder what would happen if anyone ever did...

Weather

One of the first things I noticed when I moved here was that every conversation sooner or later turned to the weather. It was August and sunny and beautiful. People would say to me, "we'll see how you are doing about March". I knew it was going to be rainy, but they were really beginning to unnerve me. The worst comment I heard was from a guy at a mountain biking class I was in. Tom said "Don't worry about the weather, the suicide rate peaks in February...if you make it through that, you are home free." I laughed.

The scary part is when I repeated that to other people, thinking it was a joke and laughed about it, they all said...No that is really true...but you'll be okay. WHAT???????

Sea Kayaking

One of the greatest things about this place is the abundance of water sources. I went kayaking out near Deception Pass. The waters of the Pacific are so different from the Atlantic. They were clear, cold, and filled with animal and plantlife. The bull kelp was absolutely spectacular. It was cloudy and started out rainy, but the weather turned and became sunny and the scenery and the animals just took my breath away. The porpoise, the whales, the sea otter, the starfish, the purple sea urchins...all of it was fantastic. This trip is was so helpful in combating the overwhelming homesickness I have had for NC. This is one of the things I moved to Seattle for. Now I just need to find the time and a bunch of money for my own equipment so I can do it more often.

The water is much colder than the Atlantic. You need a dry suit all the time (so much for getting a tan in the bikini). I found that I needed my dry suit. As I pulled off from a beach, in front of a bunch of tourists. I wasn't quite centered in the boat yet, lost my balance and turned it over while still on shore but in enough water that I went in. Nothing like practicing a wet exit while still on shore with a bunch of tourists looking on....

Beer Gardens

Every event here in Seattle is advertised as having a "beer garden". Everyone would say, oh go to such and such of an event, it will be fun...there will be a "beer garden". This left me wondering exactly what a beer garden is. I got to find out when I went to the roller derby championship match (yes the roller derby). My next door neighbor is on one of the teams of the Rat City Rollergirls, the local Seattle roller derby league. The roller derby in and of itself was quite an experience. It took place in an old airplane hanger at Magnuson Park. People of all walks of life, execs from Microsoft, soccer moms, tattooed interesting people, goth people, etc. all mixing together to watch girls skate around a track and plow into each other. There wasn't enough bleacher seating, so they had people sitting on the concrete floor also, basically to provide a cushion for when the players got into a shoving match and fell, the crowd was there to keep them from hitting concrete.

I get to the roller derby and I am trying to figure out what the beer garden is. I notice this one area where there are people packed in behind a chain link fence. I just sat on the floor with the crowd on the floor. After a few minutes the announcer yells out, "let's look over at the beer garden, is everyone having fun?" The people inside the chain link fence all cheered. Okay, so that question was answered.

What is a beer garden? An area behind a 6 foot high chain link fence, where if you have ID and money, you can sit inside this caged in area, drink beer, and become part of the entertainment for the non drinking people. I was reminded of a petting zoo....

The Adventure Begins...

In the summer of 2007, I decided to move after 25 years living in the same place, most of them in the same house even. I didn't just move...I MOVED. From rural eastern North Carolina to Seattle Washington. This blog is to help me remember the culture change that I am experiencing which at times is funny, sad, scary as hell, and altogether, one of the greatest adventures of my life...I feel like I am Alice in Wonderland and I just fell Down the Rabbit Hole